Having It All

They who believe they have it all probably have nothing worth having AT all.

This post was triggered by an article  that appeared in the July 2012 edition of The Atlantic titled "Why Women Still Can't Have It All".

Ms. Slaughter is absolutely right in her observation. And any feminist or chauvinist who teaches otherwise is doing their student a disservice. If you set unattainable expectations, you are destroying a spirit.

The great realization everyone needs to arrive at is that NOBODY can have it all. It just isn't possible. There is not enough time.As a man I gave up the opportunity to be with my children and worked very hard to "provide" which means bring an income to the household. I (mistakenly) believed that generating more income and providing more opportunity was better for my wife and children than providing more of my time. The results are obvious. I still struggle to change a diaper on a grandchild. I don't know nearly as many "inside jokes" with my children as my wife does. But I have a long list of exceptional people I worked with that I really never care to see ever again. Most of them, like me worked 15 hour days six plus days a week. The reality for a successful entrepreneur or executive who prefers a glass floor to ceiling is that you are always, always, always at work. Everything you do impacts in some way your work and you try to evaluate that impact before choosing to do it. 

I believe this is what Ms Slaughter intends by her observation that women think about what is going on with those incredible humans we have stewardship over all the time. The point of view is not how family affects their work, but how work might affect their family. For instance, Lauren has a concert at school at 10 on Wednesday. I think, "I hope I can schedule so-and-so later so I can be there or I may have to tell Lauren that I won't be able to come to this concert". My wife's perception would be "I have to be at the concert at 10 so I'll do so-and-so later, OR, IF NEED BE, DECLINE TO DO IT AND GIVE UP THAT INCOME".

One comment that may be misleading is the observation that "all the men on the Supreme Court are family men while only one of the women has a family". Trust me, these men do not "have a family" in the way their wive's have a family. Ask the "brethren" how many times they had an intimate moment while changing a diaper. How many bath games do they know? How many skinned knees did they bandage? How many tears did they dry? If they are anything like the men I worked with, they may actually be able to answer this question. Do you think most mothers, even career mothers could even provide a ballpark guess? Of course, this is changing with smartphone apps that journal every diaper, meal, nap or event, but that's for the future.

When my children visited a few weeks ago I considered it the ultimate compliment when they left their sons in my care for the better part of a day. I did not have an agenda for the day. There was no list of tasks, goals and milestones to guide our time together. I admit I faced the day with a bit of anxiety about what I would do. It probably took a big step of faith for my children to leave their children with me (probably more faith in their children being able to keep granddaddy out of trouble than the inverse). I must say we had a ball not accomplishing any goals, completing any tasks or celebrating any milestones. It also challenged me physically, intellectually and emotionally to be able to keep up with them and when possible, a little ahead. Anyone who thinks that raising children is easy and mind numbing just try to explain why pink isn't blue to a three year old. Convince the one year old that the apple sauce should go down, not out.

As to my choice to dedicate so much of time to my career instead of being in attendance at home, I want a do over.